Of a Note in a Cosmic Song; Part Five Page 18

  She carefully crawled over Jema, draped her cloak over her shoulders and stepped into her sandals at the entrance to look south, knowing before she saw it that the fog would be gone. It was clear. Both moons were out playing chase. Sets of stars – intense fires, burning countless terameters away – covered the black heavens. No wonder the ancients had made them the focus of their lives.

  This moment of clarity had left Nini strangely tranquil. She sat down on the bench. What did the dream mean? Had she seen herself, her future? Was she meant to be a healer, not just because of her job on SJilai or from Mektar, but because it had been predetermined long ago? How could a dream she’d had when she’d been a child have shown her Kun DJar and have it right – for the backdrop of the plain was, and had always been, that of the South Hills, exactly where the fog had been watching them. The mushrooms from her vision were the flattops. The image had not been in negative at all; they were the true colours of the Kun DJar landscape. It had never been just a dream.

  Mektar had talked about energy not being limited by the boundaries of either space or time, that all was nothing and nothing was all. He had used many metaphors. The one that had made Nini laugh had been his comparing their existence with a breath of hot air from a cosmic diner. He had also explained it using the technology all of DJar was familiar with.

  “Existence, Nini, is like a continuous wave of creation on which each particle rides, like a photon on a light wave or the partikel disk you put in your wave-unit. Each partikel shows only a fleeting moment, but the wave it rides on can never be seen, for it is the collective of particles; the universal. The only way to understand the whole would be to get off the wave and stand at the centre. As long as people are but one of the particles they will never be able to. It’s a theory of waves and particles. Whether it is a physical theory or one of consciousness makes little difference.”

  So had this wave of energy meant for her to be here; her sjilai, which Momma had said she would find one day? Or was she just translating Jema’s words into a dream? But then, how had her dream known that the fog had lifted? And what about the bubble? The bubble that suggested a child of Kun DJar…

  “Nini?”

  She looked up to find Benjamar beside her. “Sorry, I didn’t hear you.”

  “I know. I said your name twice before I sat down. What were you doing?”

  “Just pondering. How about you? You should be tired.”

  Every wrinkle in his face smiled. “I am, but I couldn’t sleep. Too much going on up here–” he tapped his forehead “–and I can’t set it still. Do you want to talk to me?”

  “Of course. Is something wrong?”

  “Not with me. You’re the one with water in your eyes,” he replied.

  She moved her hand, but he caught it in his, while using his other one to wipe the tears off her face. The gesture made her smile. “It was nothing, honest.”

  “Come on, Nini. We’ve gone through too much together. Don’t do this.”

  Once, on SJilai, he had shared his deepest emotions with her; today she would tell him hers. She explained the vision, the dream she’d had even on DJar, and which had turned out to be that spot on the South Hills where the fog had been, which she had recognized the moment the expedition arrived here. She hadn’t cried because she was sad but because she was moved by the memory. Or maybe the only sadness came from her wish to share those special moments with a child: Her only regret; the one thing she wasn’t destined for.

  He put his arm around her and she leaned against his shoulder. He was warm. “What I don’t understand is where I was in this. I know the old woman’s name is Bejeni, it always has been, though I don’t know what it means or how she relates to me. The young woman was Kun DJar, I’m sure of that. Her unveiling herself was a message; it meant that we’ve been accepted into the family. We’re no longer heading in the wrong direction. Kun DJar rests.”

  The look on Benjamar’s face didn’t show that he had trouble believing her, but she knew he did. This was too mystical for his sense of logic.

  “I’m not talking about some omniscient being, Benjamar, just something better evolved than we are, a little bigger and more intelligent. Just like we can predict and influence ants by merely putting some chalk in their path, so Kun DJar can use fog to guide us in a different direction. And just like we could eradicate a nest of ants… But she won’t if we don’t behave like pests.”

  “So do you think Jema was right?”

  “Yes, I do.”

  “Can I have another look at that chart?” His hand was playing with her hair.

  “You can have it, Benjamar.”

  “I guess Jema would insist I internalize it, not keep it on paper. What were the eight values?”

  “Are you testing me on the subject?” she teased.

  “No, I’m trusting you to know what I’ve neglected to study.” He was serious.

  “Don’t go anywhere.” She walked into her home, found the chart in the dark and came back.

  “I didn’t mean for you to teach me right this minute.”

  She pushed it into his cloak. “I’ll give you until morning.”

  He pulled her close again. Did he feel what she felt?

  “Did I hurt you today?” he asked.

  “Me? Why? No.” He had never hurt her.

  “It hurt you, didn’t it, what I did to Jema?”

  “I didn’t understand it, Benjamar. I do now. She told me.”

  “It’ll be okay, you know. Can you trust me in that?”

  “I trust you.”

  “I need you to be there tomorrow, Nini. I need you to be on the council. Your vision was right. You’re a healer, not just for bodies. Everybody looks up to you.”

  “Maybe not everybody. Not the people in the Society.”

  “They do too. Nobody expects miracles, not even them. And if they do, they expect them from Bue, not from you.”

  “Like they expect of you tomorrow?”

  “I don’t know, Nini. I’ve come to the conclusion that I may have never been a very good judge. I put people like you away. And if not that, then I was either just a mediator or I was officially expressing the moral judgment that Leni says is the cause of all harm.”

  It was hard to move out from his arms, but she had to see his face. “No, you’re a good judge. Your sense of justice comes from within, not from law prints or morality. Not here, anyway; I’ve seen you deal with people here.”

  “Instinct. I cannot judge based on that,” he said.

  “Why not?”

  “It’s arbitrary.”

  “Right, like the way AR judged. Why is it you can base your decisions on cold facts, which are interpretable and not reliable, but not on what motivates people? Actions don’t stand on their own. Events and interactions between people cause them. Every person and every event is different. There is no way that a law print can ever be fair, Benjamar, but people can.”

  “At the risk of losing all my sense of reason, Nini, I need to ask you something.” He explained that both Leni and Yako were of the opinion that the goal of justice should be confronting behaviour rather than putting people away in prisons. They said that the judicial system never dealt with the real issues and was merely used to gain compliance by whoever was in power at any given time. “What does that make me, then?” he asked, almost pleading. “Is there any honour left in being a judge?”

  Poor Benjamar. More than a lifetime of firm belief had been thrown back at him and Nini couldn’t help but agree with it.

  “The way I see it, Benjamar, there are many ways of being right. A judge was never a representation of either justice or honour on DJar; it was a title intended to make people believe that these things could be defined and controlled, because a rational society needs to believe that; everybody needs to believe something. But rationality is the belief of only one of OT’s children. True justice cannot be judgement by the standard of only one sort of people. Justice should involve the whole community – a commu
nity in which people can feel valued, because feeling valued motivates people to do good, regardless of truth or honesty. Safety and peace should be the goal of both leadership and justice; a process of exchanging different experiences and motivations in which every viewpoint is respected.”

  “In other words, talking. That sounds nice, Nini, but is it practical? I’ve got a trial tomorrow. How can I not judge in a trial? Some people have hurt the community in one way or another. How do I go about that?”

  “Instinct. Talk to your council. Give advice, ask advice. You don’t make the decisions alone. Better yet, invite both parties. It doesn’t need to come to a ruling imposed by you. Let them come to an agreement they can all live with, for peace.”

  “If you look at it like that, Nini, I may have never done justice.”

  “I’m sure you did.”

  “Skawag didn’t think so.”

  “Yes he did. You’re a natural-born judge, Benjamar, like I am a healer. Everybody has their own natural job. Look at Leyon; who else could be that inventive? On DJar some jobs were labelled unworthy, but if they’re not, everybody could be happy doing what suits them best.”

  “That sounds like Fetjar’s original ideal.”

  “Maybe because I’ve been observing people and I’ve learned something about people’s needs. Like people have natural jobs, so all people are either natural-born parents or children, either OT or SJari. Maybe the terms are a bit strange, but I like them. The parents, the cautious people, let their heart and mind guide them; they think before they act and naturally take charge. They love and they teach and they also speak judgment sometimes. You’re a natural-born parent, Benjamar. This hearth needs you, as does the village. Communities, like people, need parents. You didn’t let Tjarkag and Skawag run your home or make decisions by majority vote when they were young.”

  “Actually, Nini, in retrospect, since Tjarkag was a lot like me; that’s what it came down to and I hurt Skawag that way.”

  “Skawag respected you more than you know, Benjamar. Skawag was what I call a natural-born child. That doesn’t mean he can’t grow up, it just means that he lets his impulses and passions guide him; his body and soul. People like that need a parent, somebody they can trust to be there to prevent things getting out of hand. Skawag needed you more than Tjarkag did. He needed your strength. You couldn’t have one without the other. Without children there’s no need for parents, but children, who are not bound by the rules of what is already accepted, initiate progress and prevent dogma. The aim for this village would be to allow both OT and SJari without saying that one is better; to fix the essence back together by having them represented in your council, so each personality has a voice. Just because you are born to lead doesn’t mean you have to provide all the answers.”

  For a while Benjamar sat still as he let it sink in. They’d never talked about this before. “I don’t know what I’d do without you, Nini. You’re the best thing that happened to me besides Jitsi and my sons. You helped me back on my feet when I was about to give up.”

  Another compliment. He had no idea how important he was to her. She leaned back against his chest, this time so she didn’t have to look at his face. “If I could… you know… have a child, I’d want it to be yours.”

  He laughed. “You wouldn’t want an old man like me. You’re confusing two things.”

  “I’m not confusing anything. I’d have you over any man, any time, even if there would be no baby.” She glanced up at him, but Benjamar was Benjamar; he kept his face under control. The silence was enough. “Anytime, Benjamar.”

  “Don’t say anything,” he whispered, shaking his head. “It wouldn’t be right.”

  “It would be to me.” It wasn’t new, this feeling. It had nothing to do with her need for comfort earlier. It was much deeper and much more basic.

  “I’m an old man, Nini.” He spoke into the distance. “But if I could, I would give you what you want.”

  “I love you.”

  He kissed her head. “I guess I’d better go back and try again.”

  She moved so he could get up, and had one more look at the South Hills before entering her own shelter. A little inkling of Kun was just starting to move the darkness: A veil slowly uncovering a beautiful woman. Nini cuddled up close to Jema. This night had made up for all the bad things that had happened before.

  Benjamar was grateful for the light of Kun. At least with everybody else also awake he’d be able to get on with things; talk to those he thought would have a special role to play in that council and see if they wanted the job. A job for life, starting today; a life in the service of the community, a community of hierarchy, because most people functioned better that way, whether they knew it or not.

  After leaving Nini he’d not been able to get back to sleep. Now, instead of having the trial and the kennin on his mind, he’d started thinking of her. What right had an old man like he to even have those feelings? He’d long told himself he was past it, on DJar already… but that was before Nini. Her words had been genuine. He couldn’t deny his attraction to her. It must be the closeness of the moment combined with a lack of sleep. He’d be more realistic when it was all over – if it would ever be over.

  First this council. He had studied the chart while waiting for Kun to come up. However, it wasn’t like a modern print in which, if you could read the separate letter-symbols, you could stick the sounds together and understand the words. This was picture writing, a combination of small pictograms brought together in one chart, their meaning symbolic rather than factual.

  Benjamar understood the main drawing. He knew the myths well enough and he knew the position of the stars and planets. He could also see the representation of the stages of life and the elemental connection made to them, but that was it. He had heard Nini extract meaning he just could not see in the images. Meaning as to the significance of one figure having only a mouth, but another having eyes as well.

  Benjamar, had he found the chart, would have assumed the rest of the faces had weathered away or even that those people may have forgotten them. Nini had laughed at this “typical Geveler” answer. “These people had no prints or other records, Benjamar. They lived their lives by those charts and there is not one line out of place.”

  He asked her again this morning to explain to him the role of the members of the council. Each had a specific focus; a special job or interest. He’d have to get that right, at least.

  So she taught him the meaning of the chart, which had been adjusted for Kunjari people, replacing DJar and Bijar with Kelot (wife of Kun, or just “woman”) and Kunot (mother of Kun). “To signify that children have their own personality, unrelated to their parents, SJano, who was born of SJari, is OT’s child, while the new representation of Bijar belongs to the body of SJari on the new chart. If you want more detail you’ll have to ask Jema. She knows them all by heart and can explain it better.”

  But the time wasn’t right to ask Jema. What Benjamar did was take Nini’s information and the chart on a before-breakfast walk to catch those he wanted for that council. That trial had to be over and done with today. Three in one! What was he thinking? It would be a test as much of the new social order as of his own esteem in the eyes of the people… and maybe also in the eyes of Kun DJar. If this one failed, as had virtually every trial since leaving DJar, he may as well pack it in. The problem was keeping it objective when every person knew each other. Of course, Nini and Yako had told him that objectivity was a subjectively imposed viewpoint.

  So first the assembly of the council. Some people were obvious choices: Nini, of course, for the spiritual role, represented on the chart by SJano. Maike was another one: insightful and bold at the same time. She was fair and straight to the point. She had before taken charge of crises and come out on top. She’d be in the tactical position of Kun.

  The logistical part of food distribution, everyday practicalities and economy was for a farmer, represented by Kelot, protector and provider. He asked Wilam
for that place, since he had done a fine job on SJilai. This would be different, but not by much. Why it was that people like Wilam, who could do these jobs, were so insecure while the loudmouths, who said they’d do it, ended up in trouble was something Benjamar might never know, but it wasn’t hard to convince Wilam with the argument that he naturally represented both crop and cattle farmers.

  That was three out of six for the permanent council. The seventh place would be his own; the judicator once again, but this time with an insight: That true justice was only possible if the judge was also the executioner, as AR had been. This would satisfy Frimon’s objection about his being a mere mediator, answer Yako’s problem with the judge not standing behind a decision because he let a jury make it, and Jema’s accusation of cowardice for hiding behind law prints.

  The last voice of the council would go to the ken, changed for Kunjari people from Agjar to the two moons of Kun DJar, her children. At this point in Nini’s explanation had he become confident that it might actually work. One voice for all the ken, all the people, but to be represented only by those needed in each specific case, those directly involved from both parties if there was a conflict. No need for a whole population-majority vote or for a non-voluntary random jury. These people would want to be there because it concerned them. Their voices – not simple votes – would be equal to those of the other council members; voices that would be heard. And no anonymity, no hiding behind numbers; each person would be required to explain his opinion. It wasn’t just that the voice needed to be heard; it also had to have something sensible to say. That kind of otacy could actually work.

  So who were directly involved in the problems that had occurred since the start of the elections? Tigor, of course. Wilam and Kolyag had been opposite him, but having Kolyag and Tigor in the same room wasn’t an option. Benjamar had no intention of having his home become the scene of a fight. Doret could speak for Kolyag, as could Aryan, since both had participated in the creature incident with Kunag as well as in that affair that almost took Frimon’s life the first time, and for which Leyon would have to answer. The third part of the trial would deal with the events that had led to Frimon’s death. Apart from Jema, Rorag had been involved in that, along with Kunag, somehow again.